The reason most people hate being alone or better yet alone in silence is because our minds tend to get bored and wonder off in a path of no return, until it is interrupted and brought back to reality. I'm not talking about that awkward staring daze we often do when literally nothing is going on I our minds. I'm talking about over thinking everything you have done since pre-k. When you lay in bed at night trying to go to sleep but instead you replay the time that John flirted with you all the time but ended up breaking your heart before he even had a chance to have it. How could you have played that disruption so you wouldn't have been so heart broken? How could John do that to you. Does John even know that he did it? Was it on purpose? Did he ever really like you? Did any guy like you? Is this why you are still single because no guy will ever like you? Are you over John? Does John lay in bed thinking about you? Probably not because you are pathetic right? Over thinking is something that the people (we hate following but feel the to follow anyways) post about. When social media gets sappy around 11pm during the weekdays. Well I haven't had one of those nights in over a year. No I'm not in some state of happy hysteria, I think I'm in the complete opposite state.
Right after Trey passed away (My best friend of 3 years who I may or may not talk a lot about) I laid in bed over thinking every detail regarding his death. How it could have been stopped, by me, other friends, adults, doctors. Why didn't I take the warming signs (that in hindsight were there an strong) seriously. I would over think to the point where I would get sick and cry so much I started crying because my eyes hurt. Two months after Treys passing my Cousin passed away of cancer which caused me to over think for his wife kids and my mother who had cancer. I would lay in bed thinking about absurd ways to cure cancer and how cancer runs in my family and me getting it...do I have it? How do I test for anything other than breast cancer at home? What if I have cervical cancer do I go ahead and get it all removed at 18? Adoption could e in my future if I had a future. Then 4 months latter the unthinkable happened (actually the only thought on my mind since my mother was diagnosed with cancer in June of 2011) she passed away. I laid in bed over thinking what heaven was. Why god wasn't fair. Why are all these people contacting me? Am I only interesting after such tragedy? Why did all this death have to occur? Now I can't die because everyone else decided to. Now I'm stuck here. One day the over thinking stopped. Now 2 years after Trey and Jeff (my cousin) have left this world and almost 2 years (in March) since my mothers passing, I no longer over think. I lay in bed and think about nothing. I literally think about why I'm lot thinking. At times I think of what I could write a book about and how the characters would pan out. I lay in bed singing show tunes. And having light bulb moments about the genius writing and composing skills of Hans Zimmerman. I believe that my mind can no longer over think to a point of tears and "OMG if only I would have had a nicer ass John would have fell for me" because my reality is most peoples scary what ifs. And John and future Johns do not matter and shouldn't matter to me. Who knows maybe I can come up with the most brilliant teen saga since Twilight because while everyone else is laying in bed at midnight going over a failed relationship or one that never existed, and how their flu could possibly kill them- I will have plenty of mind usage to properly think about an amazing story. So yeah tragedy may have killed my wandering mind. But maybe it saved my wandering mind. Instead of it wandering into a black hole of heartache -it wanders into a wonderland of creativity.
So please continue to over think and post about it on twitter and Facebook so I can a have something to scroll through.
***Disclaimer, John was a generic name. and maybe a real guy too, but as far as you are concerned, it is a generic name.
***Disclaimer, John was a generic name. and maybe a real guy too, but as far as you are concerned, it is a generic name.
