Sing[le], Oh! Happiness.

For years, I was embarrassed, upset, confused as to why I have never been in a relationship. Quirks, that for years, I assumed was yet another reason I hadn’t found a partner. Things like wearing themed knitted sweater, watching Golden Girls on Friday evenings instead of going out, obsessively bringing up A Walk to Remember and constantly making Barbra Streisand references. At 24 years old, I have gone through the stages of self-loathing several times. I told myself I was a bad ass woman who don’t need no man. I puffed my chest out and went out to exude confidence on the town—and by town, I mean to work and back. It would quickly fade when I would see a cute couple or a cute guy who wouldn’t pay me any attention. I would then become sad and tell myself that, essentially, I wasn’t good enough to have a boyfriend. If I was thinner, prettier, nicer, funnier, smarter, talented, had better hair, or was more travelled I would be more interesting. I would allow myself to become legitimately upset over being single. From ages 16-22 I would rag on myself for being single. I would take comments from others, who would tell me, the right guy will come along at the right time, but still be concerned about my future. I read articles composed from the flourishing editors and writers of seventeen magazine and teen vogue about how to change who I was to obtain a man. I slowly started to realize, I was allowing a stranger to dictate my current happiness. I started to become more aware of who I was and what I wanted. Sure, being with someone who cares about you, respects you, and finds spending time with you, enjoyable sounds great. But, being someone who cares about yourself, respects yourself, and enjoys who you truly are is what really matters in the long run. Despite having others make off handed comments about how I could better myself, career wise, health wise and how I need to do certain things to find a boyfriend; I blocked out everything that I KNEW was negative. Who are they to tell me where I need to be in my life? I took the suggestions over the years; Don’t be too over powering, it isn’t attractive, be more ladylike, lose some weight, wear make-up, try online dating. I allowed everything, I heard, read, and saw about relationships impact me and how I felt about myself. Every guy friend that I became close with I would unknowingly project interest on. I would think, maybe this can become something more. Maybe our friendship can become more. After about zero friendships blossomed into anything but, I would avoid becoming friends with a guy in fear that I would develop feeling for them and want something more than a friendship. Which was a terrible position to put a friendship. But I was not alone. I had a few friends who were feeling the same way I did. Some handled it like I did and would wallow in self-pity, others became more sexually promiscuous in hopes of a fling becoming solid. But what do we do? Stay unhappy or follow false happiness?

Then revelation happened. Create your own damn happy!

One Monday when I was mentoring at my old high school with a group of kids 14-18, I felt this calmness come over me while in small group. I was 3.5 year into working with high school students and loved what I was able to do and what I was able to share. I grew every semester with each group of students. But it was the end of the 2015 school year, I was with a group of kids who allowed my stories and experiences to be shared with them that made me realize how blessed I was. They truly cared about each other and me. How lucky was I? It was then that I let them take over small group and guide their own conversation into what they felt needed to be discussed that I realized I had no legit reasons to be unhappy. I started doing a daily gratitude list. I became very aware of everything I am grateful for. I started to become happy with everything I was fortunate enough to have. I started to become happy with who I was. Every day I would write out 3 things I am grateful for and give myself 2 compliments. At first it was really hard. But after about a week, I was finding daily things to be grateful for and new things I liked about myself. I had to convince myself that it was okay to like who I was and what I looked like.

 

Before I would listen to others and allow myself to lower my worth because a man didn’t find me worthy. Then, I quickly turned all the words that I once gave value into the language of the teachers from the Peanuts

I quickly started to love myself and become happy with the woman I was becoming.

At 22, I wasn’t where I thought I would be but I was happy with where I was. For the first time in, well, forever, I was happy with who I was. And I was single. I didn’t base my worth on being single. I was just living life day by day and enjoying my days with my family and friends.

Fast forward a year later and I was still single, proud, and happy. I had great friends, recent travels under my belt and new travels ahead. I was excited for the future and whatever was in store. I was feeling like an actual adult more and more every day.  Did I mention still single? But also, still happy! Then IT happened. I stayed the same person. Cynical, strong, independent, loud, Babs obsessed, A Walk to Remember advocate, and no-nonsense Porshia. Then I met a guy who I became friends with. The most caring, sincere human I have ever met. I didn’t attempt to make anything out of our friendship other than a friendship. I was comfortable with him, and didn’t even think twice to attempt to create feelings. Over the course of our friendship I was blinded by how comfortable I was. Everyone else, saw something I didn’t. I became angry with every person who told me that we liked each other. “No!” I would say! “we are just friends, stop trying to make this more than it is.” Then as natural as can be, two friends grew their friendship into something more. I had a boyfriend. I was with a guy who truly wanted to be with me and like me for me. ALL of me. What? How this happened, I may never know. But I am no better of a person because I have a boyfriend. I have someone to share more things with and to care about on a level beyond what I thought I could give. I have a partner who will encourage me and support me. I have a friend who I want to kiss, hold, and grow closer with. My boyfriend is the sweetest, most kind-hearted human I have ever met. I love my time with him more than I can express. But I am happy WITH him, not BECAUSE of him. He makes me over the moon happy. Not because him being with me gives me worth. I had worth before him—and if there is an after—I will have worth then as well. I am not happy I am in a relationship, I am happier because I am in a relationship with someone who I know I can trust, grow with, and be myself around! If I allowed myself to believe that any relationship would create happiness, I would have lowered my standards a long time ago. Boy! Am I happy, I waited!