Revamp

Every time, I visit my blog, I get annoyed. I get annoyed by the number of drafts I have. I get annoyed by the amount of friends who read my post (without me asking them to). I get annoyed with how awful the post, I actually decided to post, are. But then I get off the pity train at “Who the Hell Cares” station and go about doing what I actually enjoy. Writing fiction. Young adult fiction. Only a few people know that I have been working on a YA novel. I have 10,000 words, 17 pages, and 3 chapters (not including a prologue) in. I am taking my sweet time and only writing when I truly want to. A few years back I mentioned to a car full of friends, that I was writing a book. They laughed at me. Mocked me and teased me—all out of fun, I think. It discouraged me. If these friends didn’t support me, who would? So when my laptop crashed and I misplaced the flash drive with the beginnings of an amateur novel, I was bummed, but saw it as a sign that it wasn’t worth sharing. Years later, when I began writing short snip-its in a journal of a potential novel, I didn’t tell anyone. I carried my journal everywhere and would write whenever I had alone time to spare. I have spent many hours at Starbucks drinking a pour over dark roast, time visiting Trey at the cemetery writing, and enjoying being alone, but not feeling alone. I have even sat in my car in between places I need to be to kill time. After changing the plot of what I was writing over and over and over, I finally decided to take it from pen to paper to Brain to keyboard to screen.  I stopped going back and re-reading what I have written. And for that, I think Veronica Roth, the writer of the Divergent series. As an avid reader, I read the book from cover to cover, extras included. Roth said, she didn’t re-read her work, until she was finished. It kept her going, and creative. She could change any plot holes and things she just didn’t think would work well once she had ended the book. Seemed to work for her. Why not me? I began to just type, and typed I did. I have no idea where I want the story to go, but it is going. I shared it with a facebook friend who is an amazing writer with published books (of a completely different genre) and he gave me great supportive feedback. He encouraged me to continue writing. Which made me proud of my work. July 6, 2015, I posted a little bit of my writings on Good Reads. Seeing how so many people have done the same, I just posted an unedited draft, errors and all, with the hope that maybe just one person would stumble across it. Forgetting that I even posted it on Goodreads, I was shocked to get an email on October 20, 2015, saying someone had commented on and liked my story. That Goodreads users encouraged me to continue writing. One comment and one like. That is it. Someone enjoyed it. I went back and read what I posted on Goodreads and I even enjoyed it. I didn’t hate it, I didn’t regret posting it. I was pleased with my writing. Granted, it needs some serious editing, but that is all just part of the process. So, instead of trying to be a blogger that I am not. I am going to revamp my ‘blog’ and just post short stories and influenster stuff (So I can continue to get free stuff—duh!). So, please, feel free to give me your feedback on anything I post and share. 

Happiness is a choice.

When I was a freshman in high school I wrote a letter to my future, senior self. Unfortunately, my class never received their letters come senior year, but I find myself often curious on what I wrote to myself. I am sure I mentioned having a boyfriend, since I would be able to date by senior year. Maybe even my excitement about my acceptance letter to UNC Chaple Hill- my dream school at the time. Having a few school plays under my belt, and quite possibly an intriguing pen pal who I wrote to about intellectual historical facts. I'll admit, I was---er---am a strange person. Who knows I could have been over school in general that day and wrote: Do you still hate school? yup. figured so. xoxo, Teenage Angst You. I was---er---am a tad dramatic.

Regardless, what I wrote to senior me, I would have rolled my eyes and felt a little bit of self embarrassment and think to myself silly little freshmen, grow up- the words that Mat Roark (beautiful senior football player who later went to be a huge UK Wildcats star, and had a very short lived NFL career, who I saw on the Buckhead bar strip several months back) had uttered while Holly and I got to run an errand upstairs in the math building...we literally ran. The dreams and hopes I had for my self, weren't too grand, yet were realistic and satisfying. As 18 year old me came, I thought that I disappointed 14 year old me and even 17 year old me. I didn't even apply to UNC- no way my family could afford it. Truth is I didn't apply to many colleges. Only one. North Georgia College. I got in, but again, couldn't afford to live on campus, and couldn't fathom leaving home. especially since my mom was sick. How would that look? So a 2 year college it was.

Life continued to happen death, death, death...money issues, A,C, D, D... D, D, C, D... No F's. I wasn't dumb, just not determined, and couldn't stay focused. Work= money. Money= bills being paid. I began to miss classes to work. I began missing classes to not leave my bed. Because sleep will obviously heal sadness and magically get you great grades.

I became sad. No, not sad, depressed. My priorities were all screwed up, but since I wasn't drinking, doing drugs, or having sex in hope to gain love. I figured it wasn't a big deal.

Like many girls I battled with body image issues, and ate my way to weight gain and more complaints. I was still single, at 18, 19, 20,...and 21. What was wrong with me? Self loathing began to become my new hobby,

I slowly began to give up. Well what I thought was giving up. I began to not care. I started sharing what I thought, in a non-complaining way. I began to be honest with people from the get go. I started giving back to my community by being a mentor, volunteering to do children's church, I began a job that was right up my ally, and helpful to my educational goals. I started seeing how many people were truly proud of me. How many people saw me in a light that I did not see myself.

I became less worried about my future, more patient, more rational and more go with the flow.

I look around and see so many friends, former and current, who are controlled by something. Drugs, relationships, sex, I am controlled by me.

I can honestly say that I am happy.

I have moments when I feeling emotions on the emotion chart. but for the most part, I am happy.  I smile a lot more. I can honestly say Great!, when someone ask me how I am doing. I can see the bigger picture to things, I know that life is too short to make bad choices, or to not say what you feel.

All of this has happened in the past 4 months. a growth that I noticed so rapidly, but was a long time coming. I can only hope that I will continue to go up from here. To be happy even though hardship, turmoil and heartache  is inevitable.

For now, I know that I am loved by many, and I can feel that love. I am learning from those around me directly and indirectly and I can only hope that I am being a lesson in disguise for others around me.

I am letting God do as he pleases with me. And letting life take it's course.

Finding happiness within yourself, is a hard thing to accomplish. We often tend to look for it in other things and confuse those feelings for inner happiness, when it is actually the devil in disguise.

No, I am not in a top university.
No, I am not in a relationship.
No, I don't have money in the bank.

But who cares? I sure don't.

I have a family who I want to kill at times, but wouldn't trade them for the world
I have friends, who have taught me so much without realizing it.
I have a promising future
and I have so many people who utter words that make me glow inside " I am proud of you"

Cynical, sarcastic, dramatic (even though, I, prefer Theatrical) and a tad abrasive is who I will always be, but somethings will never change. My faith is stronger than it has ever been, I am confident in the person that I am and the person that I will become.

So thank you for contributing to my happiness. without many of you, who knows how long this inner health would have taken,

:)

New Year "Resolutions"- note the quotations.

As I lay on my friends Torey's couch still in my dress and tights from last night, I decided to be proactive and start 2015 off with a blog post- and what better to post than...a resolution post right? well yes and no. I have never been a fan of resolutions. It implies that something needs to be resolved/ended by a certain time and I, being a person who hates due dates and endings, have never set resolutions. However the more relaxed meaning to annual resolutions is to create goals and to make better choices to start off a year in a positive route, which I fully support.
I have read numerous articles this week about how to set a resolution and how to stay on a path to complete said resolutions in 365 days. I have read many pre-made resolution list and for the most part they consist of the same resolutions. A lot if them were not life changing or very self involved. (I.e.) dieting, work out, lose x amount of weight, Get in a relationship (I'm sorry what?), try a new Pinterest make-up tutorial (insert eye rolling here), more "me" time (let's face it, most of us-unless you are a working mom/wife- have enough "me" time)
Everything I've read made me roll my eyes, laugh out loud, and added to my belief that my generation is so superficial it's sickening. So I have come up with a list of sorts to practice and instill in myself to better myself so I can better myself and those around me now and in my future. (Wow! Guinness book of world record for someone using the word 'myself' in a sentence check please!) and honestly, I believe everyone should as well- it isn't something that is targeted toward girls or guy, these are universal goals.

1. Be more up to date on current/world events.

When I hear my friends say they don't watch the news because..."it's too depressing", "boring" or they don't have time. My rebuttal is: YOU HAVE A SMART PHONE. follow at least 2 reliable news sources on twitter. Get a news app. Or sign up for the Skimm (a daily email that gives you just enough information you need). Being informed is an essential to adulthood. And stop getting your information from what you over hear your parents saying or from someones Facebook status rant.

2. Do the right thing when no one is looking. Integrity. 

A universal principle that is often forgotten. We all tend be bystanders to a lot to refrain from butting into others business. Stand up for what is right without expecting praise for your good deed. Even something as simple as starting the pay it forward at chick-fil-a--and don't go tweet about it or tell all your friends just so you can hear how awesome you are. Tell yourself how awesome you are , and that if more people did the right thing there would be more reasons to smile!

3. Don't make excuses.

Don't make em' for yourself or give them to others
If you don't want to go somewhere just say "hey, thanks for the invite, but I don't feel like going tonight. Have enough fun for me" which is a lot better than lying about not feeling well or having other plans. Or better yet that you are tired-especially when you are telling these excuses to someone who does twice as much as you minus twice the help.
We all have that one (maybe more) who has an excuse for not showing up to events, or not being able to hang out or text or call- and after a while the friendship fizzles. Don't be that friend. You'll miss out on great memories with great people!
Also, be responsible! Don't blame others or events from the past on why you make bad choices. put on the big girl and boys pants and grow up!

4. Don't judge.

It's hard not to judge someone based on their choices. I am for sure guilty of it. Recently I got smacked in the face with a lesson of "don't judge a book by its cover" when a new friend shared something so heart wrenching that I would never in a million years have assumed. You never know someones past. You just need to be an example that bad experiences shouldn't be made into bad choices. And not judge those who have taken bad experiences as a right to make bad choices.

5. Stop saying you don't like things you haven't tried.

We are no longer 12. Being picky should be a trait you have long since grown out of. And I'm not just talking about food. If your friends want to see a movie that everyone has been raving about check it out (wait until it is on TV, if you don't want to spend money). So what if you saw a bad movie. If someone tells you to check out some music give it a listen. You may find the next lyrics that is your life- 'WTF, did I help co-write this in my sleep'
Want some coffee? I don't like coffee? Have you ever had it? No. THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOU LIKE IT OR NOT.
(Only aliens dislike coffee-so pretend you do around me or I'll report you!)
Now, if something makes you uncomfortable or is bad for you don't give it a try-METH. not even once!

6. Stop being passive aggressive.

To all you passive aggressive people, stop. It isn't giving you or your relationships any growth.

7. Love your friends.

I am really bad about this. I am not an affectionate person at all. So I rarely tell my friends that I love them. But I show my love in other ways. If you are my friend, I love you! Compliment them, embrace them, listen to them, talk positively about them, defend them, and lift them up. If you don't do this for your friends, then why would you expect them to do the same for you?

8. Don't be social media obsessed.

Now I love social media! It makes the world a much smaller place and can connect friends and family from all over the world. You can find information out in a matter of seconds, share your opinion and even get retweeted by Judd Apatow (still fan girling over that). But we are in our 20's. Does it matter how many likes your Instagram picture gets? Or how "fat" (see number 9) you look? No it doesn't. What matters is that you like what you post an what you post doesn't hurt others. Again, I love social media, I mean I have; Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Tumblr (not really in use), About, LinkedIn, Blogger (duh!), but if this post gets 0 views I am okay with that. The amount of likes doesn't determine your success and failures in life (your habits do)

9. Stop body shaming.

Guilty again. Purposely not wearing something because I look fat, comparing my body to others and my past self. Blaming my weight for my singledom. Looking at other girls and thinking they are too skinny or too fat. It's a terrible flaw that I try to work on daily. And it is my mission to not body shame myself or others out loud or in my head.

10. Be smart about sex.

 I am not sexually active, but I have so many friends who do not have smart sex. Educate yourself with your partner on consequences (other than pregnancy) be proactive get tested, and be honest with your doctor!

11. Don't pretend.

This isn't the 80's, or a John Hughes movie- you can stop pretending to be too cool to care, or too cool to like something. I like Taylor Swift, her music is fun and cliched, and I like it! Why is it that we still care what people think about us, our hair, clothes, choices, music taste...Honestly, why care what others care about? Will it be  the end of the world if people really knew how much you think Nirvana sucks (which they do not by the way, and if you think otherwise...it's okay- I do not care!...(what the hell is wrong with you))-- Just  don't wear their shirt and pretend to be a fan to seem cool. Don't pretend to have had a handful of sexual encounters (boys- yes, I am stereotyping) so you can seem like more of a man- why does that matter to manhood anyways...that's a whole nother post for a whole nother day. Don't pretend like you only eat salads in dainty bites (Ladies!). Don't pretend like you don't care, when you obviously care. Who cares if you care! I don't think that I am bad at this. However, I have been in social situations where I have pretended to be fully interested in a topic and tried so hard to convince everyone that I enjoyed what we were talking about, and even with knowing facts, and not just making crap up, I felt absolutely ridiculous pretending to care when I could care less! 

12. Do what you are passionate about. 

Now, I don't mean quit your job and move to New York to become a starving whatever. But find time in your day to do what you really love doing. Pursue what you really enjoy doing. A really good friend of mine recently got a Nikon with all the kit and kaboodles, an she wants to start a little photography gig on the side. Why not? She is good at it, and likes doing it! Create a portfolio, if you want to make your passion your career, be proactive. 

I, LOVE writing. absolutely love it! even if it is just word vomit, it's my word vomit and I like it. So I want to write and write and write and I will weather it ever sees the light of day or not.

Even if your passion is unconventional, find a way to be passionate about it. Improve yourself, your skill and your all around happiness. Have you ever heard anyone say "I am doing what I love and hate it." or "I hate having time to *insert passion here*" NO! and if you have... you is a lie. 

13. Do something outside your comfort zone every once in a while.

For those of you who don't know me, I am, for the most part, outgoing and bold. Yet, still very reserved. I don't dance, I am not the one to be dared to yell out a car window at a stranger, or kiss a stranger, or do anything that draws too much attention to myself. Well...Last night, I went to a gay club with 3 of my closest friends, we were 4 of the 10 women there, to be honest I'm sure 3/10 were men at one point. All the rest were gay men. My plan was find somewhere to stand and people watch as my friends danced. Well, my plan didn't happen. I went out on the dance floor and danced the night away. I felt like Hannah Horvath from girls- minus the drugs. I enjoyed it. I will never see any of those people again, and made hilarious memories with my friends. With that being shared- I stepped WAY out of my comfort zone. and nothing happened, except for fun. So do something that you normally wouldn't do- Do not go out and do something stupid to push yourself, just something that isn't "you" and for all you know, it may have been a you thing all along.

14. Spend time with those who you love.

you are going to regret choosing your BFF or some party over a family function (especially when your family isn't all that bad). Make time for those one on ones with your close friends who are visiting from out of town, or those friends you love, yet live so far from hanging out isn't as convenient as you would like. Make time for those people who just mean so much to you, the thought of not knowing them makes you ache. This is something that I really need to maintain, growing apart can be avoided. 

15. Write letters. 

We are in a time where going out of our way to tell someone how we feel is endangered. Write a thank you note after you get a gift, and more than a "thanks for the gift!"

When I receive a thank you note, it's like receiving a thank you gift. Hand written notes are so much better than a Facebook post, or a text message! I for one love writing a letter (especially in cursive), but I cared what people would think if they received a random letter from me, now I could care less, and will be giving 'Just because' cards as much as possible. So be on the look out for one! 

16. Make like Tennessee and Volunteer. 

It blows my mind when people volunteer only because they HAD to. What? Not all volunteering is working in a soup kitchen (which is an amazing way to volunteer). Find an organization or a cause that is near and dear to your heart and volunteer at a local event. Why not give your time to help others?... this isn't rhetorical. Seriously, Why not? other than selfishness. You make connections, meets all kinds of different people, and grow as person when you volunteer. Trust me, there is an organization out there for everything. Be proactive and don't make excuses to not volunteer. 

17.  Read a book.

Not an ebook. a book book. I being an avid reader, and book lover, I cannot fathom not enjoying a book. With the plethora of genres and authors there is book out there for everyone. I am going for a book a month. I wish I had time for more. but if the last book you read was To Kill a Mocking Bird (as a class) then aim for a book a year. It will spark imagination. and as adults we need to embrace imagination.

18. Do What makes you Happy!

"If it makes you happy... Then it can't be that bad" If you do more things that make you happy, then you will be happy. "...happy people just don't shoot their husbands. "

So there ya go folks. My list of "resolutions, that should roll over year after year. 

I brought in 2015 with great friends and great memories, I really hope 2015 is filled with good memories and first that are grand and happy. putting positive vibes out there! looking forward to having another year fly by. 

***by the way, I didn't proof read. I am tired, and partied to hard last night. I am shocked I am even a functioning human as of right now...lets face it, I am not. ****