When I was a freshman in high school I wrote a letter to my future, senior self. Unfortunately, my class never received their letters come senior year, but I find myself often curious on what I wrote to myself. I am sure I mentioned having a boyfriend, since I would be able to date by senior year. Maybe even my excitement about my acceptance letter to UNC Chaple Hill- my dream school at the time. Having a few school plays under my belt, and quite possibly an intriguing pen pal who I wrote to about intellectual historical facts. I'll admit, I was---er---am a strange person. Who knows I could have been over school in general that day and wrote: Do you still hate school? yup. figured so. xoxo, Teenage Angst You. I was---er---am a tad dramatic.
Regardless, what I wrote to senior me, I would have rolled my eyes and felt a little bit of self embarrassment and think to myself silly little freshmen, grow up- the words that Mat Roark (beautiful senior football player who later went to be a huge UK Wildcats star, and had a very short lived NFL career, who I saw on the Buckhead bar strip several months back) had uttered while Holly and I got to run an errand upstairs in the math building...we literally ran. The dreams and hopes I had for my self, weren't too grand, yet were realistic and satisfying. As 18 year old me came, I thought that I disappointed 14 year old me and even 17 year old me. I didn't even apply to UNC- no way my family could afford it. Truth is I didn't apply to many colleges. Only one. North Georgia College. I got in, but again, couldn't afford to live on campus, and couldn't fathom leaving home. especially since my mom was sick. How would that look? So a 2 year college it was.
Life continued to happen death, death, death...money issues, A,C, D, D... D, D, C, D... No F's. I wasn't dumb, just not determined, and couldn't stay focused. Work= money. Money= bills being paid. I began to miss classes to work. I began missing classes to not leave my bed. Because sleep will obviously heal sadness and magically get you great grades.
I became sad. No, not sad, depressed. My priorities were all screwed up, but since I wasn't drinking, doing drugs, or having sex in hope to gain love. I figured it wasn't a big deal.
Like many girls I battled with body image issues, and ate my way to weight gain and more complaints. I was still single, at 18, 19, 20,...and 21. What was wrong with me? Self loathing began to become my new hobby,
I slowly began to give up. Well what I thought was giving up. I began to not care. I started sharing what I thought, in a non-complaining way. I began to be honest with people from the get go. I started giving back to my community by being a mentor, volunteering to do children's church, I began a job that was right up my ally, and helpful to my educational goals. I started seeing how many people were truly proud of me. How many people saw me in a light that I did not see myself.
I became less worried about my future, more patient, more rational and more go with the flow.
I look around and see so many friends, former and current, who are controlled by something. Drugs, relationships, sex, I am controlled by me.
I can honestly say that I am happy.
I have moments when I feeling emotions on the emotion chart. but for the most part, I am happy. I smile a lot more. I can honestly say Great!, when someone ask me how I am doing. I can see the bigger picture to things, I know that life is too short to make bad choices, or to not say what you feel.
All of this has happened in the past 4 months. a growth that I noticed so rapidly, but was a long time coming. I can only hope that I will continue to go up from here. To be happy even though hardship, turmoil and heartache is inevitable.
For now, I know that I am loved by many, and I can feel that love. I am learning from those around me directly and indirectly and I can only hope that I am being a lesson in disguise for others around me.
I am letting God do as he pleases with me. And letting life take it's course.
Finding happiness within yourself, is a hard thing to accomplish. We often tend to look for it in other things and confuse those feelings for inner happiness, when it is actually the devil in disguise.
No, I am not in a top university.
No, I am not in a relationship.
No, I don't have money in the bank.
But who cares? I sure don't.
I have a family who I want to kill at times, but wouldn't trade them for the world
I have friends, who have taught me so much without realizing it.
I have a promising future
and I have so many people who utter words that make me glow inside " I am proud of you"
Cynical, sarcastic, dramatic (even though, I, prefer Theatrical) and a tad abrasive is who I will always be, but somethings will never change. My faith is stronger than it has ever been, I am confident in the person that I am and the person that I will become.
So thank you for contributing to my happiness. without many of you, who knows how long this inner health would have taken,
:)
