Porshia Carter: The best 4 years of your life...

College is something that as a high school student you bank everything on. You will finally drop some lbs in college because you will have to walk everywhere and be too busy to eat- freshman 15 wont happen to you. You'll find the man of your dreams and marry right after graduation. Oh and the parties, none stop fun! But most importantly school work will be stressful, but it can't be that hard, your ditsy cousin was accepted into USC (Carolina, not Cali). How hard can 'Finding yourself' really be?

Well my college experience is far from anything I expected. I have become so use to my mundane college routine that I forgot what I expected from college life.

I thought I would go to a local university live on campus and go home pretty much every day just so I wouldn't be forgotten, but oh--far from.

I was accepted into every school I applied for, which was great until the tuition PLUS additional institutional fees came in... Even with Hope and FASFA I wouldn't be able to afford the remaining amount. So I decided to go to a junior college to earn credits to transfer when I get the money (which I'm not sure where I thought magic money would come from).

The summer before my first semester of college my mother was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I was in denial for months about it, and began to slack on what I needed to do to get everything squared away. I mean aren't moms the reason that majority of people are in college? They know what to fill out on your FASFA forms, and call in and ask questions that you feel are ridiculous but sort of want clarification on. Since my mom had so much more going on rather than focusing on my college, I myself, didn't have college on the front of my mind. Even though she was going through a health crisis, she wouldn't let me miss a semester. College wasn't an option, I was going. No matter what.

Since I slacked on FASFA it wouldn't be at my college in time for my classes to be paid for, so I had to pay out of pocket and await for my refund to get my books.2 classes was all I thought I could afford, which was $984.56. Well I didn't have a thousand bucks to spare neither did anyone in my family, so without even a debate, my mom decided to pawn the title to our car, until I received my refund. Then, just 2 1/2 years ago, I didn't realize how big of deal it was, but now, I know it was HUGE deal!

With only taking 2 classes, which is only 6 credit hours, I just thought I would double up in the following semesters...little did I know, how complicated that would be.

My 2 classes were going great! Creative Writing- my instructor loved my writing style and wit. & Music Appreciation- years of choir and theatre helped me maintain my A in that class. Then the unexpected happen...

September 9th, only a month into my college life, my best friend Trey committed suicide. I thought then "Never saw that coming" but now in hindsight I should have--which is what plagued my mind for the remainder of the semester. Since I only had 2 classes, and was Acing both of them, by me missing class to be with friends, my grades slightly went down to low A and high B. People get through hard times while going to school all the time, so I can't let a friends passing be an excuse to why I am not functioning as well as I should be. If Liz Murray can go from Homeless to Harvard I can pick myself up and get through the semester. Then another surprised happen my cousin Jeff passed away from a rare form of cancer. Is this a joke? Are you there God? it's me Porshia!

It was honestly the most bizarre feeling ever. I was so numb, that I didn't know how to feel? Is death really this common? On top of loosing a family member who was an active part of my life for 18 years, it made my moms cancer seem all too real.

I knew cancer was serious and a killer, but honestly, I was in such denial. It was going to go away. It was cancer in the female parts, all of that can be removed---To say I was naive is an extreme understatement. I was plain out stupid. Seeing my mom in the hospital at her absolute worst, I decided that work and school was my main focus because I was around people who I could laugh with and be silly, no need to think or talk about my loss and my mom trying to win the fight she was obviously loosing.

The Spring semester I signed up for 5 classes, continued to work when scheduled and put the fact that my family was going through turmoil on the back burner. If I could keep it together, then so can they. Little did I know by actions proved that I wasn't holding it together.

My mom went to the hospital in January of 2012, and I missed class often, sometimes I was at the hospital, and other times waking up was just an option I didn't want, so sleeping in until 2 PM then watching endless TV was what I did daily for weeks. I knew I wasn't doing all of my class work, but I was doing enough to get C's, which gets degrees, so hey, no harm no foul.

March 18th my mom passed away after her short, hard fight with cancer. But I was fine. I only missed school for a week, and withdrew from one class because there was no way I could bring my 23 up to a D in 6 weeks. After taking 3 D's a W and a C, I decided to revamp myself over the summer, so the Fall semester would be a new start and I would get all As and Bs...

I was wrong.

I had to start the year off with high stress while having to prove that my mother was dead to about 3 different people to file my FASFA independent under the age of 24. Seriously? Bull shit is what that was. Again my grades weren't that hot; C's in classes that I should have received A's and B's in. and the pattern has continued. I retake classed I get a D in and huff and puff my way through the same routine.

This is my third year at a junior college and I have 5 classes left until I can move on to the education program. I was ashamed and embarrassed and hell, even lied to people so I wouldn't seem dumb. But I will stay in college until I am 40 if I have too. I will not quit or take a semester off, I have been through a lot more in 6 months than most people my age have been through in their entire life. I haven't turned to any vices to deal with my pain or sadness, I don't drink, do drugs, have sex to fill a void, I don't party or let boys use me to feel love. Everyone is lucky, in my opinion, that I take it day by day and i am not some sort of disaster.

I have an amazing job that I love so much! and recently enough self confidence and reassurance that I can and will be okay. I have/had some great friends who were there for me during the loss of the one I loved, but NONE of them understand, and after 2 months or so when they forgot, or thought I was fine, the support faded, which I thought I would be okay with, but I'm not. Through blissful ignorance to miserable turmoil to getting back to "normal" college hasn't been the best years of my life, yet the most horrific! But I have grown from everything, and realize what really matters in life.

Maybe the next 2.5 years of college will be the best of my life who knows, I hope so. I honestly just want to be Thirty Flirty & Thriving (the day I turn 30, this will be my blog name, courtesy 13 going on 30)

So when I do graduate and begin my journey as a teacher, I will be so much more proud of myself knowing what I went through and not letting depression, anger and a variety of other emotions knock me down, I got through it all on my own, with no regrets!