I never really talk about my testimony or relationship with Christ, not because I am ashamed- which I am not. I am be proud to be a Christian and try my best to stay on the path of salvation.-I think I keep to myself because I don't want to answer questions that follow. Mainly because I do not know the answers to most questions that are asked and partly because my testimony is short and simple and I always feel as though people want more from me. No I wasn't in dark, hopeless, pit of despair. I wasn't an atheist turned Christian, I wasn't heading down a path of no return. I can't remember a point in time that I didn't believe in God. I grew up in what at the time was an unconventional home, which now I understand was very common. A single mother and a Nana was what I had, not a mom and a dad. My mother and Nana didn't go to church, so my first memory of a church was my kindergarten graduation at this gorgeous huge church that reminded me of all the churches on TV. I assumed that the nuns were in the back resting, and the male nuns (which I a what I assumed Arch Bishops were)-were in a different room hanging up their dresses... Sister Act was my favorite film for a long time. No I wasn't in a Catholic Church, but I didn't know there was a difference. Living in the Bible Belt, I was very aware of churches and God, despite not attending church or being raised in a faith based home. I can't remember a time where I didn't know about God or believe in God. I had children's books that were based on classic bible stories (Jonah was my favorite), We celebrated Christmas, and even discussed that is was Jesus' birthday-when I was 6, we plugged in my fiberoptic tree and sang happy birthday to Jesus. We prayed over our dinners on holidays. I said nightly prayers for years when I spent the summer with my nana, yet never went to church actively until I was in middle school.
When I told my mom that I wanted to go to church on Wednesdays for youth, she said okay. My mom always told us she didn't care what religion we practiced as long as we were morally sound, respectful and knowledgable of other religion--which I was and still am. She would drop me off and pick me up every Wednesday. The church was where all the cool kids went at school. If I went to church-a place where there is no judgment and everyone loves everyone, I was bound to become their friends and fit in, right?... I went to church to hangout, which is what majority of my peers did, but I honestly cannot tell you the youth leaders name, or one message that I heard. But I can tell you about a girl who lied about having lung cancer (which to this day still blows my mind) and the drama that insued... Some of the worst bullying happened on those Wednesday nights.
I struggled with understanding some of the lessons; sex out of marriage is a sin, sins are bad, children out of wedlock are born into a hopeless life, I'm a child who was conceived and bore out of wedlock...but I'm not hopeless, am I? Wait gays are going to hell- I thought all sins were equal, what's the difference? If you shouldn't judge others then why are you preaching your opinion and not the gospel? Is the message bible really necessary? ...I was confused and wondered if I was a Christian because I didn't agree with what the youth leader was saying while everyone else nodded in unison an knew when to say amen, while I was still confused and not in tune with what was just said. At 11, I didn't realize that me thinking that was OKAY! Luckily, after going to that church for over a year and feeling like a bigger outcast than I did at school I decided to go to Church with my friend Devyn. She went to a small local church, Calvary Baptist. Everyone was white. Now I am mixed, but being he only brown person can get really tiring, so I was skeptical on whether or not I would be excepted. (Despite it being 2006, I had my fair share of prejudice and it was the worst!) Once going down stairs to the youth room- I'm not going to lie- there were people in the youth who I knew from school who I was SHOCKED stepped foot in a church. I was incredibly judgmental. Again, I was mainly going to church to socialize. The bible was too big and thick for me to read. I never went to Sunday school or VBS as a child so I had no idea what they were talking about half the time and I wanted to call Bull crap on prayer request that I knew where made up. They would pray in such great depth, while I would pray in such simplicity and I couldn't imagine praying out loud. Again for a while I questioned if I was Christian enough.
When I was a child my family told me that as long as I believe in God and love Jesus and knew that he died on a cross then I was a Christian. However, the feeling of not fitting in, and confusion quickly left.
I prayed every night for God to show me that I was a Christian. Silly, I know, but I was so scared that maybe I wasn't a Christian. After attending Calvary a few times I felt so welcomed by the youth leaders and elders of the church. I quickly saw that no one sitting to the left or the right of me were perfect and knew I was in the right place. A place where I didn't feel the need to PROVE my Christianity, that was between myself and God. I can still remember lessons Rodney talked on from middle school (I still have my true love waits card, signed in 2008, that is still valid!). I could feel my love and understanding of Christ grow.
I cannot pin point a pivotal moment when I gave my life to Christ. I have always loved him and accepted him. And the fact that I thought that I needed a trivial, heart wrenching testimony to prove that I am a Christian is quite sad. I just know that my life has not been easy, or fun, or simple, or even explainable. Through an absentee father (who decided I wasn't his when I was 8.), through eviction after eviction after eviction, through all 9 schools, through living in motel rooms, through every death that has created yet another strife in life, through every penny of debt I have because I have to be financially mindful of a family at 21; I have never blamed God, or asked why me? Or have given up hope and faith. No, I am not at church every time the doors have opened. No, I don't walk around spreading the gospel like I should. No, I don't go on or plan to go on a mission trip out of the country anytime soon or possibly ever. No, I can't name every book in the bible or pronounce all the names in the bible. Yes, I support gay rights. Yes, I cuss. Yes, I still have to look in the contents to find where a book is located. Yes, I fall short of the glory of God. But I am a Christian. A proud Christian and I, like many other Christians, don't have a story or dark days that I didn't know or didn't claim Christ. I may have those days in the future, which I believe won't happen, because I pray daily for my relationship with Christ to strengthen. Which it has. I am blessed and surrounded by many host families; The Lairsey's, The Hills, and The Sanders who show me that by putting all my trust in God, everything will be okay.The Lord has given me so many outlets to be a woman of God in a timely manner. I work with children and take full pride in being a role model for my students. I am mentoring with Teach One to Lead One, an organization that is faith based and filled with amazing people who will do nothing but strengthen me. And now I teach children's church every 2nd Sunday.God loves me so much it overwhelms me and is the MAIN source of my happiness, and what prevents me from being sad when I know it is what is expected.
If life hasn't knocked me off the path of salvation already, then nothing life throws at me will knock me off. There might be days that are foggy, or cloudy, but I will keep on down the path, until the day comes to meet Him on the thrown, and I cannot wait!
... mixed feelings right? 
